It came to me in a dream...

    Losing someone you love is never easy. The grieving can take what seems like forever. You cold be pushing it aside and when you  least expect it, it will finally sink in. With that being said losing the person who basically made you the person you are today can be a torturous experience.
    A little over a year ago my life changed. In one sentence I felt like I lost every reason for living. I didn't attempt suicide (before anyone makes assumptions) but for about a week I just existed. I didn't really express anything. I lost my grandfather, the man who practically raised me and all I could do was cry because people expected me to. 
   Months pass and I finally realize he's gone, but I still didn't cry. I just assumed I was always okay with it until recently. When you finally express what you've been feeling for about a year you feel a weight lifted off you shoulders. You feel a lot of things actually but, mostly relieved you won't always feel sad, mad, or abandoned.
   A few months ago I was sitting in my room watching MTVhits. Then i started hearing a lot of loud noised from outside my window. I look outside my window and see its just the yard workers so I go back to my music videos. After about 10 minutes I get curious so I peek out my window again. I noticed they left my grandfather's rose bush up and just resume in my karaoke time. Then I hear a constant banging. So I look out again and his bush is going down. My face got hotter than hell and I started hyperventilating. I ran down to my mom's room and I told her "Mami his rose bush is gone. They chopped it down." she was on the phone but, she got off and talked to the gardeners. The bush was gone and it felt like losing my grandfather again but worse somehow. I later found out they were going to replant it.
   After the rose bush fiasco I had a dream where my grandfather came to me.  It was more like a nightmare. I don't remember all the details but my grandfather said "You're going nowhere" then I woke up. I felt like my grandfather hated me but, I knew he didn't so I moved on with it. Fast forward to today when I'm dreaming about some dance class (which is weird cause I don't dance), I walk into a break room and I see all my family with my grandfather who looks into my eyes and smiles. I say "Grandpa!" and with that I wake up. I knew that smile. He was proud of me and how much I changed since the last time he visited me. I changed a lot from that nightmare. I wasn't in school, I was mean to everyone for no reason, and I really was going nowhere. Now I'm on the right track and I know I am cause my old man pretty much told me. 
   My message for him is "Grandpa, I love you. Thank you for molding me in to the young woman I am today. All I ever wanted in life was to make you proud and now I feel like I finally have. I will continue to make you proud of me. Because of you I know I belong"
                           Don't forget your Dreams,
                                Jayne Doe