It came to me in a dream...

    Losing someone you love is never easy. The grieving can take what seems like forever. You cold be pushing it aside and when you  least expect it, it will finally sink in. With that being said losing the person who basically made you the person you are today can be a torturous experience.
    A little over a year ago my life changed. In one sentence I felt like I lost every reason for living. I didn't attempt suicide (before anyone makes assumptions) but for about a week I just existed. I didn't really express anything. I lost my grandfather, the man who practically raised me and all I could do was cry because people expected me to. 
   Months pass and I finally realize he's gone, but I still didn't cry. I just assumed I was always okay with it until recently. When you finally express what you've been feeling for about a year you feel a weight lifted off you shoulders. You feel a lot of things actually but, mostly relieved you won't always feel sad, mad, or abandoned.
   A few months ago I was sitting in my room watching MTVhits. Then i started hearing a lot of loud noised from outside my window. I look outside my window and see its just the yard workers so I go back to my music videos. After about 10 minutes I get curious so I peek out my window again. I noticed they left my grandfather's rose bush up and just resume in my karaoke time. Then I hear a constant banging. So I look out again and his bush is going down. My face got hotter than hell and I started hyperventilating. I ran down to my mom's room and I told her "Mami his rose bush is gone. They chopped it down." she was on the phone but, she got off and talked to the gardeners. The bush was gone and it felt like losing my grandfather again but worse somehow. I later found out they were going to replant it.
   After the rose bush fiasco I had a dream where my grandfather came to me.  It was more like a nightmare. I don't remember all the details but my grandfather said "You're going nowhere" then I woke up. I felt like my grandfather hated me but, I knew he didn't so I moved on with it. Fast forward to today when I'm dreaming about some dance class (which is weird cause I don't dance), I walk into a break room and I see all my family with my grandfather who looks into my eyes and smiles. I say "Grandpa!" and with that I wake up. I knew that smile. He was proud of me and how much I changed since the last time he visited me. I changed a lot from that nightmare. I wasn't in school, I was mean to everyone for no reason, and I really was going nowhere. Now I'm on the right track and I know I am cause my old man pretty much told me. 
   My message for him is "Grandpa, I love you. Thank you for molding me in to the young woman I am today. All I ever wanted in life was to make you proud and now I feel like I finally have. I will continue to make you proud of me. Because of you I know I belong"
                           Don't forget your Dreams,
                                Jayne Doe

   
   

Story Time

   Getting stopped is scary. Since I am undercover this will be up later than it actually happened...but I wasn't driving. I was with a friend who was driving. 

   Unfortunately it was raining and my friend is practically blind...throw in the fact it was midnight and you've got a recipe for disaster. We had just dropped someone off to work (in my mom's car) and were literally 5 minutes from my house.  Then we came down a main road and since my friend couldn't see he was far off in the wrong lane. He passed a police officer and as soon as it happened he said "I'm going to get stopped" right as he said that the lights flashed. 

   We pulled over and got asked for license and registration...obviously. My friend got his license. Then reached in the glove compartment for the registration. Its not there. We continue to look for what seems like an hour (it probably wasn't but we looked for a while.) We're damn near shitting our pants because we cannot find this paper. Both of our phones were off so we can't call my mom and ask where it is. So at this point I'm worried about my friend being taken in to the station, my mom's car being impounded ('cause guess who can't drive...me!), and how crazy I must look since I went out in pajamas. We kept looking in a panic and never found it.

   Just as we had given up the police officer comes up and says "Young man I'm going to cut you a break" I'm thinking "there is a god who is watching my ass". My friend does get a ticket for improper  passing, the cop gets in his car and leaves. My friend and I sit there for a few minutes in relief and I hug him because that could have ended badly. He sticks the key back in the ignition and we stuck to the back roads for the rest of that 5 minute ride.

   I felt it was important to post this because of the recent police "scandals" for lack of a better word. I was terrified be cause I know my friend has a bit of a temper...he could have said something in the wrong tone and that officer could have been one of those bad guys. I must add that we are both at least half black and even though that shouldn't matter recent events show us it still kind of does. So I guess the morals of the story are....never drive without registration, be extra careful in the rain, don't leave the house in pajamas, there are a few good cops out there and, its not always a black vs. white thing.

                                                                                Until next time,

                                                                                    Jayne Doe