It came to me in a dream...

    Losing someone you love is never easy. The grieving can take what seems like forever. You cold be pushing it aside and when you  least expect it, it will finally sink in. With that being said losing the person who basically made you the person you are today can be a torturous experience.
    A little over a year ago my life changed. In one sentence I felt like I lost every reason for living. I didn't attempt suicide (before anyone makes assumptions) but for about a week I just existed. I didn't really express anything. I lost my grandfather, the man who practically raised me and all I could do was cry because people expected me to. 
   Months pass and I finally realize he's gone, but I still didn't cry. I just assumed I was always okay with it until recently. When you finally express what you've been feeling for about a year you feel a weight lifted off you shoulders. You feel a lot of things actually but, mostly relieved you won't always feel sad, mad, or abandoned.
   A few months ago I was sitting in my room watching MTVhits. Then i started hearing a lot of loud noised from outside my window. I look outside my window and see its just the yard workers so I go back to my music videos. After about 10 minutes I get curious so I peek out my window again. I noticed they left my grandfather's rose bush up and just resume in my karaoke time. Then I hear a constant banging. So I look out again and his bush is going down. My face got hotter than hell and I started hyperventilating. I ran down to my mom's room and I told her "Mami his rose bush is gone. They chopped it down." she was on the phone but, she got off and talked to the gardeners. The bush was gone and it felt like losing my grandfather again but worse somehow. I later found out they were going to replant it.
   After the rose bush fiasco I had a dream where my grandfather came to me.  It was more like a nightmare. I don't remember all the details but my grandfather said "You're going nowhere" then I woke up. I felt like my grandfather hated me but, I knew he didn't so I moved on with it. Fast forward to today when I'm dreaming about some dance class (which is weird cause I don't dance), I walk into a break room and I see all my family with my grandfather who looks into my eyes and smiles. I say "Grandpa!" and with that I wake up. I knew that smile. He was proud of me and how much I changed since the last time he visited me. I changed a lot from that nightmare. I wasn't in school, I was mean to everyone for no reason, and I really was going nowhere. Now I'm on the right track and I know I am cause my old man pretty much told me. 
   My message for him is "Grandpa, I love you. Thank you for molding me in to the young woman I am today. All I ever wanted in life was to make you proud and now I feel like I finally have. I will continue to make you proud of me. Because of you I know I belong"
                           Don't forget your Dreams,
                                Jayne Doe

   
   

Round One

  My boyfriend (let's call him "Bear") and I have been together a year and a (almost) seven months. While that doesn't seem like it been that long it is for my generation I guess. I see couples my age who don't make it past 3 months. There isn't anything wrong with that at all...I just know I'm happy to find someone that makes me happy even if it is for the time being.

   With that being said a year and a half is also a long time to go without having a "real argument", which brings me to the real point of this post. My Bear and I just had our first real argument. Sure we've "argued" but those have been more of me ignoring Bear or, through texts. Anyway this one was real. It took something else happening to get to the actual reason of why I was upset but, after all was said and done I felt good. I felt grown up finally. 

   A real verbal argument can be the end all be all of any relationship. And let's be honest arguing is not fun and it takes a lot out of you. Arguing all the time clearly isn't healthy but neither is never arguing. I was finally able to let someone in and let them see the vulnerable side of me. Bear accepted all my craziness and tears.

   I guess what I'm trying to say is I should have known all along that if I opened up it would have been in both of our favors. A real relationship needs to have those ups and downs along the way to make it worth it. What's the point in being in a relationship if you're not going to be honest with your significant other and more importantly yourself? Not allowing yourself to vent to someone you love is a surefire way to create tension in your relationship (romantic or platonic). So argue a little, make your feelings known and, learn to compromise.

          Remember the best things are worth fighting for, 

                                  Jayne Doe

Late Night Thoughts (LNT)

   It's currently 2:07 a.m. and instead of sleeping like a normal person I am up worrying about my future. I'm still so young but the "real world" is just around the corner for me. I am doing what I need to do to make sure I can live well in the near future. Somehow not knowing worries me...and knowing would probably worry me more. 

   I know that seems a little weird but, think about it. You spend your whole life just knowing what's going to happen to you in 5, 10, 15 years. Since you already know you'd feel no need to try new things, get a new hobby, or just do anything outside of your usual routine. You never know what your missing out on. 

  I have a very blurry vision of my life years from now. I see myself in school, working part-time. Possibly living with my current boyfriend. Now that doesn't seem very interesting but, I'm very content with that.

   Life is a crazy thing. Its amazing how one choice, person, sentence, mistake, anything can change your life forever. Some things take a eternity to show a change some take a few moments. So who's to say the good things I'm doing now won't completely alter my vague idea of my future. Anything can happen and, there's no undo button in life. So what do I do to make sure things stay how I see them? 

                           Bye for now,

                            Jayne Doe