Behind this Blog

   I couldn't have chose a better time to start anonymous blogging. As I am writing this I'm debating about letting it go up. This post is going to be very jumbled, messy, and, unplanned and that's cause it is. I'm writing this post just moments after the topic happened.

   So I struggle with my emotions and how I handle things. Doesn't everyone? Sometimes I just react sometimes I can stop myself. When things get to be too much to handle I just breakdown, breathing becomes harder, tears stream down my face, words don't have any meaning and, I just want to disappear. Anxiety runs in the family but I've never been formally diagnosed with it...but, when i was 13 or 14 my pediatrician did say my "symptoms" did fall in line with anxiety. Over the years I've gotten better at controlling myself and my feelings. However recently it's gotten harder and harder.

   My mother is an alcoholic. Nobody knows but family and Bear (he doesn't know how severe it is). Lately she's been drinking more and more. I don't know how to help her. I just want her to stop. I'm trying so hard to get myself out of this madhouse I'm in. I'm going to classes so I can finally get a diploma so I can got to school and finally live like a normal girl my age. However something tells me once I do get it I'll still be stuck here caring for everyone and making sure everyone is safe. Nobody really knows whats going on in my house. Nobody knows how I really feel. So i'm telling the world I feel stuck, crazy, and alone. The smile you see isn't always genuine.

   I'm feeling down today. I confronted my mom and she just brushed it off like everything was normal. I really just want her to get better. I don't have anyone to go to but this blog. Sure not many people read it but it's a way to get my feelings out without feeling brushed off.

   So behind this blog is a girl who wants her mom back. Behind this blog is a girl who feels like she has no one to turn to. Behind this blog is a girl who has answers for everyone's issues but her own.

                            Behind this blog is...

                                Jayne Doe  

Round One

  My boyfriend (let's call him "Bear") and I have been together a year and a (almost) seven months. While that doesn't seem like it been that long it is for my generation I guess. I see couples my age who don't make it past 3 months. There isn't anything wrong with that at all...I just know I'm happy to find someone that makes me happy even if it is for the time being.

   With that being said a year and a half is also a long time to go without having a "real argument", which brings me to the real point of this post. My Bear and I just had our first real argument. Sure we've "argued" but those have been more of me ignoring Bear or, through texts. Anyway this one was real. It took something else happening to get to the actual reason of why I was upset but, after all was said and done I felt good. I felt grown up finally. 

   A real verbal argument can be the end all be all of any relationship. And let's be honest arguing is not fun and it takes a lot out of you. Arguing all the time clearly isn't healthy but neither is never arguing. I was finally able to let someone in and let them see the vulnerable side of me. Bear accepted all my craziness and tears.

   I guess what I'm trying to say is I should have known all along that if I opened up it would have been in both of our favors. A real relationship needs to have those ups and downs along the way to make it worth it. What's the point in being in a relationship if you're not going to be honest with your significant other and more importantly yourself? Not allowing yourself to vent to someone you love is a surefire way to create tension in your relationship (romantic or platonic). So argue a little, make your feelings known and, learn to compromise.

          Remember the best things are worth fighting for, 

                                  Jayne Doe