A haiku for you.

I wrote this because I am bored and have nothing else to do but die. I hope you find my death (not literal death though) amusing. 

I call this 

Crampy, Bitchy, and Annoyed

I am sitting on the couch.

I have cramps from hell. No joke.

This hot pad is shit.

                     Thank you for your time,

                           Jayne Doe

Behind this Blog

   I couldn't have chose a better time to start anonymous blogging. As I am writing this I'm debating about letting it go up. This post is going to be very jumbled, messy, and, unplanned and that's cause it is. I'm writing this post just moments after the topic happened.

   So I struggle with my emotions and how I handle things. Doesn't everyone? Sometimes I just react sometimes I can stop myself. When things get to be too much to handle I just breakdown, breathing becomes harder, tears stream down my face, words don't have any meaning and, I just want to disappear. Anxiety runs in the family but I've never been formally diagnosed with it...but, when i was 13 or 14 my pediatrician did say my "symptoms" did fall in line with anxiety. Over the years I've gotten better at controlling myself and my feelings. However recently it's gotten harder and harder.

   My mother is an alcoholic. Nobody knows but family and Bear (he doesn't know how severe it is). Lately she's been drinking more and more. I don't know how to help her. I just want her to stop. I'm trying so hard to get myself out of this madhouse I'm in. I'm going to classes so I can finally get a diploma so I can got to school and finally live like a normal girl my age. However something tells me once I do get it I'll still be stuck here caring for everyone and making sure everyone is safe. Nobody really knows whats going on in my house. Nobody knows how I really feel. So i'm telling the world I feel stuck, crazy, and alone. The smile you see isn't always genuine.

   I'm feeling down today. I confronted my mom and she just brushed it off like everything was normal. I really just want her to get better. I don't have anyone to go to but this blog. Sure not many people read it but it's a way to get my feelings out without feeling brushed off.

   So behind this blog is a girl who wants her mom back. Behind this blog is a girl who feels like she has no one to turn to. Behind this blog is a girl who has answers for everyone's issues but her own.

                            Behind this blog is...

                                Jayne Doe  

Round One

  My boyfriend (let's call him "Bear") and I have been together a year and a (almost) seven months. While that doesn't seem like it been that long it is for my generation I guess. I see couples my age who don't make it past 3 months. There isn't anything wrong with that at all...I just know I'm happy to find someone that makes me happy even if it is for the time being.

   With that being said a year and a half is also a long time to go without having a "real argument", which brings me to the real point of this post. My Bear and I just had our first real argument. Sure we've "argued" but those have been more of me ignoring Bear or, through texts. Anyway this one was real. It took something else happening to get to the actual reason of why I was upset but, after all was said and done I felt good. I felt grown up finally. 

   A real verbal argument can be the end all be all of any relationship. And let's be honest arguing is not fun and it takes a lot out of you. Arguing all the time clearly isn't healthy but neither is never arguing. I was finally able to let someone in and let them see the vulnerable side of me. Bear accepted all my craziness and tears.

   I guess what I'm trying to say is I should have known all along that if I opened up it would have been in both of our favors. A real relationship needs to have those ups and downs along the way to make it worth it. What's the point in being in a relationship if you're not going to be honest with your significant other and more importantly yourself? Not allowing yourself to vent to someone you love is a surefire way to create tension in your relationship (romantic or platonic). So argue a little, make your feelings known and, learn to compromise.

          Remember the best things are worth fighting for, 

                                  Jayne Doe

Story Time

   Getting stopped is scary. Since I am undercover this will be up later than it actually happened...but I wasn't driving. I was with a friend who was driving. 

   Unfortunately it was raining and my friend is practically blind...throw in the fact it was midnight and you've got a recipe for disaster. We had just dropped someone off to work (in my mom's car) and were literally 5 minutes from my house.  Then we came down a main road and since my friend couldn't see he was far off in the wrong lane. He passed a police officer and as soon as it happened he said "I'm going to get stopped" right as he said that the lights flashed. 

   We pulled over and got asked for license and registration...obviously. My friend got his license. Then reached in the glove compartment for the registration. Its not there. We continue to look for what seems like an hour (it probably wasn't but we looked for a while.) We're damn near shitting our pants because we cannot find this paper. Both of our phones were off so we can't call my mom and ask where it is. So at this point I'm worried about my friend being taken in to the station, my mom's car being impounded ('cause guess who can't drive...me!), and how crazy I must look since I went out in pajamas. We kept looking in a panic and never found it.

   Just as we had given up the police officer comes up and says "Young man I'm going to cut you a break" I'm thinking "there is a god who is watching my ass". My friend does get a ticket for improper  passing, the cop gets in his car and leaves. My friend and I sit there for a few minutes in relief and I hug him because that could have ended badly. He sticks the key back in the ignition and we stuck to the back roads for the rest of that 5 minute ride.

   I felt it was important to post this because of the recent police "scandals" for lack of a better word. I was terrified be cause I know my friend has a bit of a temper...he could have said something in the wrong tone and that officer could have been one of those bad guys. I must add that we are both at least half black and even though that shouldn't matter recent events show us it still kind of does. So I guess the morals of the story are....never drive without registration, be extra careful in the rain, don't leave the house in pajamas, there are a few good cops out there and, its not always a black vs. white thing.

                                                                                Until next time,

                                                                                    Jayne Doe

Late Night Thoughts (LNT)

   It's currently 2:07 a.m. and instead of sleeping like a normal person I am up worrying about my future. I'm still so young but the "real world" is just around the corner for me. I am doing what I need to do to make sure I can live well in the near future. Somehow not knowing worries me...and knowing would probably worry me more. 

   I know that seems a little weird but, think about it. You spend your whole life just knowing what's going to happen to you in 5, 10, 15 years. Since you already know you'd feel no need to try new things, get a new hobby, or just do anything outside of your usual routine. You never know what your missing out on. 

  I have a very blurry vision of my life years from now. I see myself in school, working part-time. Possibly living with my current boyfriend. Now that doesn't seem very interesting but, I'm very content with that.

   Life is a crazy thing. Its amazing how one choice, person, sentence, mistake, anything can change your life forever. Some things take a eternity to show a change some take a few moments. So who's to say the good things I'm doing now won't completely alter my vague idea of my future. Anything can happen and, there's no undo button in life. So what do I do to make sure things stay how I see them? 

                           Bye for now,

                            Jayne Doe

Get to know : A Girl Undercover

  I am not new to the blogging world. I've tried this a few times before and just thought about how I might feel if someone stumbled across my blog. Its a big deal to put your thoughts into words and just throw them up for the whole world to see. So here I am with a new more secure blog. I want to not be afraid to speak my mind. I want to be able to open up and have people see me without seeing me. I know this is a cowardly way to think but, I intend for this blog to be very personal and the only way I can do that is by becoming a girl undercover...see what I did there? However on a more serious note I am just a girl who wants her voice to be heard, a girl who wants to escape the world she's living in, more importantly I am a girl who wants to be something other than what people see me as.

   Although I can't tell you too much about me I do want you to know a little something about me. This blog is a way to let people into my little world without the harsh judgement. So here is what I can tell you. I am a 19 year old girl from New Jersey. I am weird and kind of an introvert. People in my town and even in my family have this idea of me that isn't at all what I am. And that's all I can say without giving away my identity.

                     Good-bye until next time,

                             Jayne Doe